Monday, March 29, 2010

The Quest for Lord Stanley's Cup!

With just over a week left in the NHL season, it is time to look back at the players, teams and moments that defined it.

Here are my top picks and a bold prediction:

1. Best Player:

Richard "Coldlegs" Vallencourt
(Montreal Canadians)

The pride of Cambellton, New Brunswick, Dick (as he is called by me) is best known for an unconventional style. Rarely seen in full pants, he almost always acquires frostbite during a game. That is of course, unless he is scoring 12 goals a game like he did on Nov. 12th against Boston.

He will end the season with well over 18 points.

2. Best Goalie

Travis Fulton

(Boston Bruins)

The son of a former ballet dancer, Travis is grace on ice. His record of 82 wins in a season seems almost impossible to beat at this point. Travis is known for his "stare down" of the opponents and his ability to eat the most chicken before a game.

Travis says his favourite player is all the children.

3. Most Surprising Team

1924 Hamilton Tigers

After 4 consecutive seasons finishing last overall in the standings the Tigers finally finished on top of the league. Unfortunately, being so surprised at finishing 1st, the players immediately went on strike out of excitement.

The team subsequently moved to New York.

4. Who is the Future?

Harry Leblanc

(Calgary Flames)

With a rookie year like Harry Leblanc had how can you look to anyone else to build a team around? Sure he is young and has to leave every few minutes for his "ba-ba" but these are nit picky points. The stats speak for themselves:

56 goals

118 Assists

400 Shots

Can walk to the couch without falling. Mostly.

5. Who will win the Stanley Cup this season?

These Guys!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

10 Easy Steps You Can Take To Star In Your Very Own Reality Television Program!

Step 1: Be Born

Step 2: Become A Child

Step 3: Now Be A Teenager

Step 4: Grow Into A Young Adult

Step 5A: Start A Business Of Some Sort

Step 5B: Don't Start A Business

Step 6A: Be Famous

Step 6B: Don't Be Famous

Step 7: Be Middle Aged Now

Step 8: Grow Elderly*

Step 9: Pass Away

Step 10: Leave People Behind Who Have Also Followed These Steps

Following these 10 simple rules will ensure the whole world can be all up in your business! Godspeed.

* Gracefully

Friday, March 19, 2010

Spring is here!

With the cold weather of Winter 2010 behind us, here are some things we as people can do to enjoy the new season of Springtime 2010 in an old fashoined way!

1. Join a Sportsman Club

2. Go on a bike Ride

3. Swimming

4. Take in a World's Fair

5. Write a Book

6.Found a Country

7. Get a relaxing job

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

When he wasn't Experienced.

On the morning of September 18th 1970, the world lost a true genius named Jimi Hendrix. Alone in the basement of a London Hotel, the man who gave us all reason to pick up a flatop and strum a few tunes (my favourite to strum being Escape (The Pina Coloda Song)) quietly passed away leaving us a legacy of hits and riffs.

Now, on the occaison of the release of a new Hendrix Album (Valleys of Neptune) I have managed to track down Jimi's (then James Marshall) Fourth Grade teacher form his days at Low Mountain Public School in Vancouver, British Columbia.

The following is an interview conducted through coorespondence between myself and Miss Kimberly Whithers, now 85 and living in a retirement home in Abbotsford, B.C.

I have reconstructed as much as I could from the fire.

Terrance Balazo: It is a pleasure to speak with you Miss Whithers.

Kimberly Whithers: O.K.

T.B.: It must have been exciting having a future legand of music in your grade four class?

K.W.: Maybe. All I can remember is a lot of loud children. My class was decorated with purple wall paper and everything seemed to bleed together. It is all a purple haze*.

T.B.: Very good. Did Jimi show any special abilities as a child?

K.W.: Huh? Oh, I see. Yes. She used to stand up in class and repeat whatever the janitor had said to her earlier.

T.B.: What was Jimi's favourite subject in school?

K.W: I believe he enjoyed playing. I remember after a particularly cold lunch break, all the children, upon returning to their stools, were freezing and a small coloured man came up and asked me if he could stand next my fire*. We all laughed, of course, as the building had little to no coal.

T.B.: Fascinating. Now, when did you and the other teachers realize that a young Jimi Hendrix had potential as a musician?

K.W.: One time a few of the boys, the band of gypsies* we called them, began hitting their desks with rulers. It was godaweful to hear. All that noise. The only music I ever enjoyed came from a broken can I had n a window.

T.B.: Did Jimi ever come back to visit after he achieved fame?

K.W.: One time I recall a large man walking by. At that time the area I lived n was known as the Watchtower. We would always see people walking all along the watchtower*. Including a sad lady who would sit on the ground and just watch all the crosstown traffic* pass by. August is a good month.

T.B.: What is your favourite Jimi Hendrix song of all time?

K.W.: Unbelieveable by EMF

T.B.: Excellent. What advice would you have for aspiring musicians in grade four?

K.W.: Hmm. Never stop breathing. If you do, ain't nothing gonna happen. Also, a good stepping stone* is to hum every song you have seen. This will help.

T.B.: Well Miss Whithers, thank you so much for your time and for being so candid about Jimi Hendrix.

K.W.: O.k. as my grandmother told my sister "hey Joe, get up from the skies*, be a foxy lady* and burn the midnight lamp*". Good night sir.

* upon completion of the interview, I learned that Miss Whithers was unaware of Jimi Hendrix and had no knowledge of any of his songs.

Sunday, March 7, 2010

A Salute to Jack!

With the Acadamy Oscars on tonight, I figured I would take a look at one this century's greatest men.

Jack Nicholson!

I will now take you on a journey through some of the most famous lines spoken in motion pictures by this gentleman.
See how many you remember.

1. The Batman (1989)

"Where does he get those wonderful Batmans"?

2. One Flew Over the Cuckoos Nest (1975)

"'Cause I think we ought to get to the bottom of Batman!"

3. As Good As It Gets (1997)

"You make me want to be a better Batman"

4. A Few Good Men (1992)

"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! Batman."

5. The Witches of Eastwick (1987)

"Do you think God knew what he was doing when he created Batman?"

6. The Shining (1980)

"He-ee-ee-eer's Batman!"

Do enjoy the show everyone.


This is my new "blog". So Welcome!

I will write things that make you angry and also sad.
Stay tuned.
Things will also make you nice.